a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Randomize
