My first STD was from a foam party
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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