When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
