at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
