I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
