The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
