so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
