i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
