the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
