Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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