Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
