I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
