I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
