youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
