Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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