Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
