The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
