Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
