Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
