remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
