He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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