one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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