dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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