Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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