ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
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