I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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