I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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