Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
