I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
