well I can't set my house on fire every night
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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