Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
