After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
