The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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