mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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