at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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