Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
