its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
