She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
