Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
