She's like a pop up book from hell.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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