Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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