I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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