I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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