Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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