My room smells like vodka and shame
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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