I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
