Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We are all done wearing pants today
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
