do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
