when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Randomize
