your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I did not marry a roomba.
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