hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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